finding myself

It’s the half of the year already, and I’m still in awe of how God has held me and has been faithful for the past five months.

The past five months were crazy — it was literally a rollercoaster ride of emotions and circumstances. For a day I feel like I’m so empowered to start the week right, then the next day I’d feel like trash again. For a day I’m so full of wit and life, then the next day I don’t even feel like going to my classes (I almost dropped classes too because of my absences).

There were days that was just so beautiful, and days that I just want to quit. Every day something was common: there’s something wrong. Ever felt like there’s this problem in your life, and you look onto it and the issue to resolve seems too heavy to think about, so you don’t bother trying anymore? That feeling. And during those days I never thought I’d have deliverance from everything I was experiencing.

Everything was just so frustrating. But looking back, I thank God for that season. Because later did I know, the season that felt forever was God’s way to call me back and find myself in Him again.

I found myself: I realize that my strength and rest was talking to people on one on one conversations. It is a great avenue to open up my life and share what I’ve learned, and primarily to listen to a person and build or flourish a relationship.

Throughout my dry season, I talked with a lot of people concerning life, faith and God. There were mentors, leaders, friends, batchmates, relatives, new set of friends, and even strangers. I thank God for meaningful conversations, they bring life to me so much. Through one on one conversations, I was able to converse with different sets of people, and have a deeper connection and understanding of relationship.

It’s also amazing that despite the fact that I am not okay, God still spoke through my mouth and used me to bless other people through my words. There were stuff my life could not manifest, but that doesn’t change the fact that God uses the foolish to shame the wise. He promises that despite my wickedness and failures, there is sanctification and we can work that out — He is helping me to live out what I preach of and who I really am in Him: pure, holy, righteous, faithful, saved and forgiven. I’m glad that in my imperfection, a perfect God still moves despite me.

I found myself: conversing with other people was indeed my rest and my charge, but those could not level to the rest found in Christ. I was pushing myself too hard to spend time with Him in a way I thought was standard: reading the Bible, meditating, crying, praying and speaking it. I learned that we are all made unique, and so is how we spend time with Him. Every night, God speaks to me through thoughts and ideas. Just like this, it urges me to write. When I write, God makes me think and makes me write with experience, truth and application.

Another is, God speaks to me through visions. I recently had a dream journal, and it was crazy. A dream I had last February was actually a warning of what would happen to me (my circumstance right now). How do I know it’s from God? Because He is personal to me and He wants to speak to me, and He speaks through pastors, visions, dreams, thoughts, voices, and most especially from the Bible where you can learn from Him, firsthand.

I found myself: during the dry season, I had no joy in my heart and ‘goosebumps’ I used to feel every time I worship God. I understood then that my understanding of worship was about me and my feelings. But God isn’t enclosed to that. He isn’t defined by feelings or ‘goosebumps’. He is God whether you think he is or not. He is God and that does not change. So you can praise Him for His glory, and not because you feel that His glory is there or not. It is an “is” and not a “feel”. A truth not a feeling.

This perspective gave me a realization that this is actually a reflection of how I live my life: emotions are what keeps me going. And how many times did I mess up my life because I followed my emotions? A LOT (aray ko beh). That gives me a deeper understanding that emotions are not supposed to be the lord of my life. Yes, it is part of life and it gives color to our life. But it’s not supposed to reign over our lives. It doesn’t hold the universe nor know the plans it has for you. God does. And that’s why I choose to submit under His lordship.

Throughout my dry season, I understood this the most: I’m young. There are still years ahead of me that God will teach me a lot of things, and reveal Himself to me. And I’m excited. I’m excited to follow Him more. To follow Christ and to accept Him as the Lord and Savior of my life has been the best decision EVER in my entire life. No turning back.